Dwelling briefly on the bad things that happen to us in life, can also bring out the good.
I like to think I look at the brighter side of life. Stay positive and always aim for happiness and positivity. Though, you can’t have the light without the dark, and, as an exercise I wanted to explore some of the things that have greatly impacted on my life that I wish I could change – but that said, those difficult times have shaped me into a stronger person and taught me valuable lessons…
– I want those ten years back I spent in hospital beds, visiting clinics and specialists for treatment and becoming a human pincushion. There is a chunk of growing up I missed. Things that you only get to experience when you’re young. I hear stories from my friends and wish I’d had similar experiences to go wild or be silly. I have always had to remain focused, never knowing how much time I have left. Some reckless abandon and teen milestones would have been nice.
– Losing my mother destroyed any sense of family and security I had. It left me alone in this world and hammered home the fact that we are all alone, many people we call friends are untrustworthy and are out for what they can get. People I counted as friends turned and started grabbing for money and possessions. I stopped seeing the best in others for a while. Losing my cherished pooches devastated me in an unexpected way. That loss of unconditional love fills your life with joy and happiness, and when it is gone you feel lost and empty. I know death is an inevitable part of life – we all have to deal. But I’d love to skip the pain and emptiness part. It’s debilitating and hangs around for years. After finally getting cancer into remission, I only had a short space of time before facing the Grim Reaper. It’s just another thing that has made me appreciate the present and live in the moment. Making life happy, going for your dreams and sharing the love has never been more important to me.
– why is so much of our lives and happiness dependent on how much money we have? People steal it, owe it, try and trick you to get it. One of the most troubling times in my life and relationships has been over money. I wish it never existed sometimes. I worry about it less now, but there were times when I was seriously concerned about losing my home, having the electricity shut off and wondering when I could afford to buy food next. If anything it taught me to save, budget, live within my means and never be too prideful to ask for help.
– how people treat and judge each other. I had my fair share of bullying growing up. And then rejection. From my family, the ones who are supposed to love you no matter what. It left me thinking everyone is insincere and vindictive. I never let anyone know my true self. There is always a big chunk of me that I hide. But nothing is more empowering than living out loud. At times, it’s hard to ignore the negativity and scowls around you, but the more you stop thinking about other people’s opinions and focus on your happiness, the more fulfilling your life will be.
– At least a couple of times a week I get a flash in my head about something I’ve done, or said, that I wish I could change or erase. Why can’t I just accept that it is in the past and move on? Many of these events are small and trivial and don’t affect anyone. Some are over what impressions I felt I made on other people… and others have me wondering if I hurt someone else with words or actions… It makes me wonder if I’m wired differently, or I have a mental illness at times. I guess it’s a sign of compassion and caring for others, so I just have to accept I’m one of these people who wants to share the joy. It keeps me accountable for what I do, keeps my morals and standards high. Though is gives me worry at times, it keeps me aware of those around me that I love and appreciate.
So, while all of the good times in my life far outweigh the bad, and some of these events, though difficult and life changing and haven’t come without a cost, I don’t think I would change them because I wouldn’t be the person I am today. But the whole ‘what if’ question leaves me imagining how life would have turned out if I’d managed to avoid these difficulties… hmm might be an idea for another novel 😉
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9 thoughts on “Down a dark path…”
A powerful post, Casey. Good luck channeling those what-ifs into a story.
You have been handed a great amount of life’s challenges. Glad you could overcome them and still find happiness and acceptance.
You overcame a lot. And you should be very proud. 😊👏
Thanks – just doin’ what I do, keeping a big smile on my face 🙂
And you do it very well, dear girl! 😊
I can completely relate to childhood cancer; I was born with mine, but wasn’t aware it was cancer until I was 8. I had always been quite mature, but cancer has a way of making you grow up way too fast! Looking back, dealing with the cancer was probably the easy part, the hard part was after, when I could no longer look at the world with the same innocence. Not only did my friends treat me different (I had tumours that had to be removed, so I have a huge scar), I was also no longer able to relate to them and their silly problems because my view on life had changed so drastically. When I was 8, mentally I felt at least 10 years older than that; now that I’m in my 20’s, I feel really old lol. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, but especially not a child. I haven’t lost a parent – I can’t even imagine, I’m so sorry you had to go through that – but everything you’ve written resonates so loudly with me; sometimes it’s nice to know I’m not alone 🙂
Edit: Just read your bio, saw you we’re 24 when you were diagnosed – you look so young! I assumed (silly me) because you mentioned battling your cancer for 10 years, that you were younger when you were diagnosed. Regardless, cancer is a monster battle at any age, and the sentiment still stands.
Must be my great moisturising routine :p
Though experiencing cancer and loosing loved ones has been difficult, they both have reaffirmed to dream big and live out loud. I’ve been a lot happier since and not afraid of failing. Sometimes my biggest mistakes have been the most fun and interesting times. Stay strong. You are never alone. 🙂